The Depression Monster

The depression monster has taken over my life. It is affecting everything! Such as; the kitchen, the laundry, my ability to refill my prescription, my blogging, my sleeping (which I could do almost all the time!) my ability to plan meals, my ability to leave the house.

Some things do still get done. But, they are of course EXTREMELY important, such as Easter Sunday, and the monologue I promised to perform. And, they take every ounce of energy I have.

Some of you may have read this article, which I wrote while I was riding an almost four week string of *GOOD DAYS*! I was soaring so high! And, it wasn’t mania!! It was just good old fashioned happiness and productivity. Why did the bottom have to fall out? And, on the very afternoon AFTER visiting my psychiatrist and telling her how well things were going. Now I don’t see her for a couple more weeks. And what can she really do anyway? Bipolar I disorder is really just a great mystery!! And, I am the guinea pig!! Anyway, that was the longest string of good days I’ve had in years….now I’ve completed two weeks of *VERY BAD DAYS* with no end in site. I’m so frustrated with my illness!

It started out as just simple exhaustion. Which could be considered very normal, being as how I’m pregnant and raising a toddler! But, for me, when I start feeling excessively tired, I start getting down on myself for not being as productive and then I somehow get *stuck* down in the dumps.  I cry a lot. I sleep. I find it very difficult to focus on anything. Bathing becomes almost impossible. Why do I get stuck here? Why can’t I break the pattern by shear will power?

I don’t know. But, what I really want is someone to comment on this blog and tell me they understand. I mean REALLY understand. Maybe you could refer someone you know to my blog, someone who would understand. I really want to set up a community of bloggers who understand that sometimes there is no blog for several days, because the depression monster has taken over. I really need some encouragement. And, I just want to know that I am not alone. I want to know that other people understand! So, do you? Understand?

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26 Comments Add yours

  1. GG says:

    Well at least getting this off your chest was being productive. It took a lot of strenth and energy. Good for you for posting we do miss it when you can’t. Where are the answers when we need them? I wish you could start some sort of support group. I undstand with my MS that no one undstands unless they’ve been there. Same as for you. Love you. Mom

    1. Yeah, mom, that’s what I want. Someone who’s been there, who really does understand! Thanks for caring, even though your experiences are different. And, thanks for the constant encouragement.

  2. Caroline, I understand. So much so that you have given me courage to re-post my blog from last week which had frightening similarities. People without mood disorders don’t understand how hard it is to shake the *bad days* and how they can truly affect your life. I fluctuate between anxiety with panic attacks and depression when my *bad days* hit. But I can go months at a time feeling ‘normal’ in between the bouts of anxiety/depression. Visit myblog.jennykcaudill.com and read my entry titled ‘I’m in the Mood’. I understand. Truly. 😉

    1. Wow, thanks Jenny! I will go read your blog right now!!

  3. ayala says:

    Caroline, I hope that you feel better soon and that the darkness lifts. 🙂 You are not alone!

    1. Thanks so much, Ayala! You are a true bloggy friend!

  4. I’ve been here. It sucks. I’ve survived. And you will too!!!! While pregnant with Mike, I babysat for 2 little girls, both the same age as Wren. I had triplets for 10 hours a day. I also had an absent husband. He was off working constantly. Canada, Amarillo, North Carolina. He’d be home for 3 weeks, and gone for 4, 6, 12 weeks at a time. Then I hemmoraged after the baby was born. BADly. I should have had a transfusion, but the Dr and I both thought I’d be OK. It wasn’t until weeks later that we realized out joint mistake. So now I’m so week I can’t walk to the bathroom without passing out, I have 3 children, and STILL no husband. He got shipped off again when the baby was 2 weeks old. At the 3 month mark, I hit rock bottom. The girls were (thankfully) watching a movie in the van with headsets. We pulled into Walmart to nurse. The baby was so over hungry that he would not latch on. In my frustration, I attempted to smother him with my breast. (now, as small as I am, that’s laughable, but the intent was still there). I called the Dr in tears, and they called in a prescription immediately.

    Even now, with baby #4, I have a hard time. I’m med free, but many days I wonder if that’s wise. I always thought the depressed person just needed to “get over it”. MAN was I EVER WRONG!! And I apologize for ever feeling that way in the past. It was a horrible place to be, and I’m grateful that I’m at least manageable. Most days, at least. I threw a loaf of bread at my husband a month ago, and went outside to sulk in the shed. Fell asleep on the floor. yeah–sometimes I think I should be back on that stuff.

    You’re not alone. Feel free to call, email, vent! I’ll give you ALL my info, if you want.

    1. Thanks, Amy! It’s always comforting when someone else shares their story. Thanks for your offer, I’ll take you up on it someday soon. It’s just so hard, day after day to feel overwhelmed by life, and to cry my way through making breakfast for LJ. I do that most mornings lately. It’s like it’s all I can do just to feed her!

  5. Bess says:

    Miss Pee Pee, I completely understand, you are not alone, sometimes shit just happens (to us, inside us, around us), and everything, including this, eventually changes. Maybe try splitting each daunting activity into a trillion little innocent steps. I do that sometimes and it really helps. So, you aren’t going to shower. You’re just going to turn on the water. Then you are just going to rinse off. Then you are just going to wash your feet, and so on and so forth…all things are many. Stop trying to move mountains and you might be able to dig a little hole or two in the side of a hill. And do it for LJ.

  6. Bess says:

    andiforgottosayiloveyouandyouareawonderfulperson

    1. iloveyoutooandyouareagreatfriend!!!! That’s good advice. I’ll try that tomorrow! I have to go to the grocery store soon, THAT seems so overwhelming. I guess all I can do is try my best.

  7. Kris says:

    Oh sweet Caroline! My heart is aching reading your post. I haven’t had to wrestle with the depression monster, but I can so sympathize with feeling out of control, overwhelmed, and wanting to just crawl in a dark place to hide. Just plowing through another day must take a great deal of strength. Please hang in there knowing that there is an army of love out here in the world propping you up with prayers and concern.

    1. Thank you for your love, prayers and support, Kris. It really does mean a lot!!

  8. Lidia says:

    Caroline,

    I think I understand and I also think the worst thing to do is to be hard on yourself when you have a “down” day. What helps me when I have those days is to very clearly define the list (a very short one) of things I would like to accomplish and stay focused on it and push myself to doing it. Then I have my bible verse that I repeat over and over sometimes out loud. It reinforces the promises and helps my heart feel what my mind already knows.

    Has your physician prescribed vitamin D?

    1. I was tested recently, and found to be deficient in Vitamin D. I took a very high dose for 3 months, and now need my levels checked again. But, that hasn’t happened yet.

      Thanks for your encouragement, Lidia. I think you are right about having a short list of things to do. Today I accomplished 3 major things, other than taking care of Lizzy-Jane and it felt very triumphant just to say that I did the things I wanted to do.

  9. Peggy says:

    Caroline,
    I struggled yesterday trying to find a way to say I don’t know what you are feeling on the inside (and glad I don’t know the demons of depression) but I just want to say or do something to make it better. I know it is not as simple as to kiss the boo-boo away. I don’t know what to do except to say I love you and wish I could help. I will always be there for you, to love you, support you and do whatever I can.

    I am praying each day gets better for you.

    1. Thank you, Peggy. It means a lot to me, that even though you struggled with what to say, you still stood up for me and expressed your love and concern. Thanks!

  10. Amanda says:

    Yes, I understand.

  11. Patti says:

    Hi Caroline,
    While I’ve never suffered from Bipolar disorder, I have been through anxiety and depression, and I can wholeheartedly say I understand. You’re not alone, and by putting your heart out there I know you will beat this thing- because the first step is reaching out. Don’t be afraid to be real with people, and most importantly God. He sees, He cares, and even more deeply than anyone else, He sympathizes with you and loves you. Praying for you! 🙂

    1. Thank you so much for your thoughts and your prayers, Patti! It is so good to know that there are people out there who understand!!

  12. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE YOUUUUUU!!! I loved spending time with you last week, even though I know you weren’t feeling well, but at least we passed the time together and were even productive. I’m praying for you. What else can I do to help?

    1. P.S. A great way to get Vitamin D is sunshine! Pool, here we come! (in our maternity bathing suits and all!)lol

      1. Thanks, sweet friend, Elizabeth! It would be helpful if we got together more often. It was so great how you stood by me when I was pregnant with LJ. We should plan another get together soon. Yay pool! I’ve got to get me a maternity suit soon!

  13. Elastamom says:

    I totally and completely understand. ❤ to you.

    1. Oh, thanks! I noticed on your blog today you mentioned that you were depressed and it was hard to get out of bed. That’s where I reside right now! Your post was beautiful by the way. I’ll go say that over there too!

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