Me and my JOURNALS.

Mama Kat’s Writing Prompt #5: Share an old journal entry.

This prompt is a little bit funny. First of all, reading old journals is funny, to remember the past. Second because, well in many ways it is intensely personal. I’ve decided to blend two entries together. This entry is not that old, only about five or six years. And, it is from the time when I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I was raging from pole to pole, and under a huge amount of stress. Ironically, it is also when I first met Chris, who is now my beloved husband.

I’m going to copy it exactly as written….it’s a little strange really:

Judgement is a very dangerous thing…this religeon, this legalism I really want no part in it. The only thing that keeps stopping me in my war path is the realization that I would never want to be a stumbling block to anyone.

Yipee! Going to a family wedding tomorrow. I can’t wait to get a bunch of hugs.

I am terrified!! (a bit of clarification – apparently I was afraid of falling in love) But, he did say it is alright to be afraid. I am human after all. And it’s so much fun. Thrilling a miracle really. He speaks my language. And, he read to me last night. Galations 5. To me that is better than any movie I have ever seen.

Taylor: “Don’t screw it up.”
Ata: “Get married, you are a beautiful girl. Do you want me to find a man for you?”

Eratic as all get out

Philippians 4: 8-9 Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of a good report; if there be any virtue and if there be any praise think on these things, those things which thou hast both learned and received and heard and seen in me do, and the God of peace will be with you.

I guess I’m going to have to get used to living a life out of control. The question then becomes, who is in control. And, the answer is obvious, God. Do I not trust Him to handle it? Obviously sometimes I don’t And, that is a sin.

Father, I have sinned, but all things have become new.

See it happened like this. Tuesday I didn’t get a lunch break, because someone was up to her usual tricks, and then Wednesday I forgot my afternoon snack until 4:30. I was ravenous. I ate a few almonds. But, it was 6:30 before I ate. And by that point, I was about ready to strangle someone!!

Then I went to church, and for some reason, the Wednesday night set-up really stresses me out. Perhaps because I am exhausted by that point, from being busy every night of the week. I think I need to start taking Wednesday night off until I can get my ducks in a row.

And, today was no different. I was depressed, tired, angry. I decided I needed to get rid of the rock, which tonight I did. I was also irritible, excessively critical, defeatest, ready to quit, and my stomach was torn up by the Anaprox. But, the thing that really made all the difference was yoga tonight. The breathing, detoxification, verse, and exertion were great! Praise the Lord!!

Then the Hill’s and I walked to Smithfield’s for Dinner.

Then! Chris and I went to Johnny Mercer’s pier to get rid of the rock. We read the story of the woman (caught in adultery). Then I prayed and released the rock and control.

Chris and I had a great time. We laughed hard and long. (I ate some chocolate)

I HAVE HIGH HOPES

 

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24 Comments Add yours

  1. bette says:

    You sounded a bit antsy then. But it’s good to hear that you married a man you can laugh with. 🙂

    1. Yes, he is lovely! He is also a very calm person, which makes my life a LOT better! Thanks for stopping by.

  2. GG says:

    I love you Caroline. And yes it is painful to share personal things. You are very brave and strong (even tho you might not realize it). Thanks for putting yourself “out there” I’m sure you are inspiring others (me) GG

    1. Thanks, GG. You are always so encouraging!

  3. What an amazing and honest post!

    1. Oh, thank you very much!

  4. Aren’t old journals enlightening? What a great thing to share. Glad you have a Happy Ever After!

    1. OH yes, very enlightening. Thank you.

  5. That is great you found a husband that you can laugh with.

    1. I agree. I think it might be the most important thing. Thanks!

  6. Yep, sounds like you were bouncing around a bit 🙂 But that is what journals are for–to get if off your chest. We have some extended family members with Bipolar and I’m sure it is tough mentally to think I have to take this Med for the rest of my life to feel “normal”. You are fortunate to have a husband who can “roll with it.” 🙂

    1. I AM very fortunate! It is very tough, but what is tougher is finding the right med! It has taken me about five years! It’s good to see you again this week, Georgia Girl!

  7. Patrice P says:

    It’s fun to look back at ourselves in our own words!

  8. Bipolar is a tough thing to deal with, and getting the medication cocktail just right can be a pain in the butt.

    Glad to know that things are more evened out now!

    1. I’m glad too, thank you so much!

  9. Miss Rhei says:

    Isn’t it nice to have someone to laugh with in the midst of all the chaos?

    Have a great day!

    Dropping by Mama Kat’s WW

    1. Yes it is! I always love to laugh!

    1. Yep, chocolate is good! Thanks for stopping by.

  10. Emily says:

    Yep, a bit bi-polar there for sure! It is great that you have immortalized your just met husband, have you shared this with him?

    I know we did the same prompt. I am so happy that I have captured so much of the details, just as they were!

    1. Yes, Chris read it last night. I think he was pleased with being featured, but most pleased with all the responses of his loveliness. I think it made him feel good.

  11. Theresa says:

    Great window into the past, funny how old fears become tired and irrelevant

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